Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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