In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
