In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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