It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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