a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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