Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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