the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
