I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Randomize