It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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