Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
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