census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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