I puked a lego.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
