My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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