doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I intend to get homeless drunk
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
