laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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