i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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