did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
