Pants 0. Shit 1.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
