hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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