just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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