goodnight i made you a song goodbye
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
