she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
You're like the curious george of whores
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
