you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
