i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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