His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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