When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
