I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
