No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
