This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
