there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
