I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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