I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
