That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
