I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can feel your judgement through the phone
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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