apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
