Me. At least after what I've been through.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
