I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
