its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The beer is more important than you right now.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
