ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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