spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
