Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
