i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
