If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
