Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
