be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
