Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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