I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
