dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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