Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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