Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
