Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Operation Purity has been aborted
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Randomize
