Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
