don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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