I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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