this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize