So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
