You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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